DELHI, NCR — Expressing what he described as “a sudden and alarming sense of regret,” local man Ashok Muldoon, 32, confirmed Tuesday that he was growing increasingly worried his casual offer to help his friend move this weekend might, in fact, be accepted.
“I just said, ‘Let me know if you need a hand,’” Muldoon told reporters, nervously glancing at his phone for any incoming messages. “It was one of those polite throwaway lines you say to sound supportive, not a legally binding agreement involving heavy furniture and stairs.”
Muldoon, who reportedly delivered the offer while feeling uncharacteristically generous after finishing a second beer, said he was blindsided by the sudden realization that his friend, Ramesh Kumar, might interpret the statement as sincere.
“At first, I figured Ramesh knew it was just one of those performative gestures — you know, like ‘We should hang out sometime’ or ‘I’d die for you,’” Muldoon said. “But then he texted me asking what time I was free Saturday, and I felt my soul physically leave my body.”
Sources close to Muldoon report he has since been furiously brainstorming excuses, including a “family obligation,” a “migraine,” and a vague reference to “helping someone else move,” which he admits “would technically be a lie, but also poetic justice.”
Friends say Muldoon has a long history of making offers of assistance he never intends to follow through on, including “let me know if you ever want to talk,” “I’ll totally read that book,” and the now-infamous 2021 incident when he offered to help a coworker paint a house and then spent the next 48 hours pretending to be out of town.
Reached for comment, Ramesh confirmed he was “thrilled” by the offer and “really appreciated Ashok’s generosity,” adding, “It’s great to have reliable friends who mean what they say.”
At press time, Muldoon was reportedly composing a text that began with “Hey man, so funny story…” and ended with “Maybe next time.”