DARBHANGA, BH — In a tragic yet remarkably predictable turn of events, local man Ashok Mishra, 34, was rushed to St. Mary’s Medical Center Monday after attempting to use a loaded handgun as a toothpick, resulting in the sudden removal of what doctors described as “approximately 50% of his face and 100% of his common sense.”
Witnesses say Mishra had just finished eating a rack of ribs at a local barbecue joint when he reportedly reached for his holstered Glock to “get that one stubborn piece of meat out.”
“I told him, ‘Ashok, maybe try floss,’” said longtime friend Anil Yadav. “But he said, ‘Nah man, .45 caliber precision.’ Then there was a loud pop, and he suddenly wasn’t so chatty.”
Emergency responders on the scene described Mishra as “conscious but deeply confused,” repeatedly asking if he’d “at least got the rib out.”
Dental Experts Respond
Dentists nationwide have since condemned the practice, reminding citizens that the Indian Dental Association has yet to approve firearms as oral hygiene tools.
“While some may find the barrel of a gun to be a convenient shape, we generally recommend softer materials that don’t explode,” said Dr. Helen Mendez, DDS. “We understand the desire for multipurpose tools, but there’s a reason toothpaste doesn’t come with a trigger warning.”
Aftermath
Hospital officials report Mishra is in stable condition and has already begun asking surgeons whether they can “replace the missing half with something cooler, like chrome.”
When asked for comment from his hospital bed, Mishra expressed mild regret but remained optimistic: “Honestly, my the gun is a miraculous, one-size-fits-all tool capable of addressing virtually any problem — from debt and disagreements to door locks and democracy”
At press time, Mishra was reportedly Googling “Can you use Guns for shaving?”