News

After Offering Help, Man Worried His Friend Might Accept It
DELHI, NCR — Expressing what he described as “a sudden and alarming sense of regret,” local man Ashok Muldoon, 32, confirmed Tuesday that he was growing increasingly worried his casual offer to help his friend move this weekend might, in fact, be accepted. “I just said, ‘Let me know if you need a hand,’” Muldoon told reporters, nervously glancing at his phone for any incoming messages. “It was one of those polite throwaway lines you say to sound supportive, not a legally binding agreement involving heavy furniture and stairs.” Muldoon,... Read more...
Driver Crashes Car Into Ditch After Taking ‘Road Less Traveled'
VELLORE, TN — In what experts are calling “a bold but geographically unsound interpretation of literature,” local man Ashok Kumar, 29, crashed his 2012 Honda Civic into a roadside ditch Monday after reportedly taking “the road less traveled,” sources confirmed. Ashok, who was returning home from a weekend mindfulness retreat, told police he was “feeling deeply introspective” when he decided to follow his heart — and a poorly maintained dirt path not recognized by Google Maps. “I just kept hearing Frost’s words in my head: ‘Two roads diverged in a... Read more...
Serial Killer Discovers Most Efficient Way To Murder Relationships: Honesty
BENGALURU, KA — In a shocking revelation that has sent ripples through both the criminal underworld and the self-help community, notorious serial killer Ajay “The Candor Strangler” Sharma announced Monday that he has found a method far deadlier than knives, poison, or blunt instruments — unfiltered honesty. According to investigators, Sharma stumbled upon the discovery while attending mandatory therapy as part of a plea bargain. “I just told my girlfriend what I actually thought of her new haircut,” Sharma confessed from his holding cell. “Within seconds, the relationship flatlined. No... Read more...
“Am I Looking Fat?” Officially Declared Hate Speech Under New Self-Respect Act
Mumbai, MH — In a landmark ruling aimed at protecting citizens from emotional violence, the Department of Social Sensitivity (DSS) on Tuesday officially classified the phrase “Am I looking fat?” as hate speech, citing its “potential to incite self-loathing, insecurity, and unsolicited honesty.” “After years of psychological casualties, we can no longer allow this weapon of mass self-doubt to circulate freely,” said DSS spokesperson Avani Marris, announcing the decision at a press conference where mirrors were banned for audience safety. “The phrase has been used recklessly in living rooms, changing rooms, and... Read more...
Top 5 Online Courses On How To Make A Baby Cry (With Certificates)
KOLKATA, WB — In today’s competitive parenting and chaos-management landscape, mastering the delicate art of infant emotional disruption has become an essential skill. Whether you’re a new parent looking to test your child’s lung capacity, a relative visiting for five minutes, or simply a researcher in the field of controlled chaos, these Top 5 Certified Courses will ensure you can make any baby cry — with confidence, accreditation, and scientific precision. Below is our expertly curated list of the most effective baby-cry induction programs, each offering a certificate suitable for framing,... Read more...
Dad Secretly Changes Baby’s Name To “Mistake”
KOCHI, KL — In what family members are calling “an unorthodox approach to self-expression,” local father Raju Walters reportedly logged into the government’s online birth registry last Thursday and secretly updated his newborn son’s legal name to “Mistake”, citing “a need for authenticity in documentation.” According to sources, Walters made the change after a late-night argument with his wife over baby names, during which he suggested “Ethan,” “Noah,” and finally “Consequences.” When his wife rejected all three, Walters reportedly muttered, “Fine, we’ll call him what he really is,” before opening his laptop... Read more...
Man Uses Gun As Toothpick, Shocked To Discover It Not Approved By Dentists
DARBHANGA, BH — In a tragic yet remarkably predictable turn of events, local man Ashok Mishra, 34, was rushed to St. Mary’s Medical Center Monday after attempting to use a loaded handgun as a toothpick, resulting in the sudden removal of what doctors described as “approximately 50% of his face and 100% of his common sense.” Witnesses say Mishra had just finished eating a rack of ribs at a local barbecue joint when he reportedly reached for his holstered Glock to “get that one stubborn piece of meat out.” “I... Read more...
Man Stuck in Traffic for Two Hours Reaches Office in 10 Minutes After Switching to Cow
NEW DELHI — After spending two hours trapped in standstill traffic where even ambulances were honking in vain, local commuter Rajesh Verma found salvation in the only moving object on the road: a cow. Witnesses report that while hundreds of frustrated motorists sat helplessly revving their engines, Verma noticed the serene bovine gracefully making its way through the gridlock — with drivers politely reversing their cars to clear a path, some even folding their hands in respect. “I realized enlightenment right there on NH-8,” said Verma. “Why fight traffic when... Read more...